Top 10 Worst New Year's Resolutions

The New Year - a time for fresh starts, renewed optimism, and the perennial tradition of crafting resolutions destined to fizzle faster than a forgotten firework. In this light-hearted exploration, we'll unravel why New Year's resolutions are notorious for their vanishing act and then dive headfirst into the abyss of the ten worst resolutions one could dare to make.

Why do New Year's Resolutions fail?

Before we unveil the contenders for the dubious honour of the worst resolutions, let's address the elephant in the room: why do these well-intentioned goals often crumble like a poorly constructed gingerbread house?

New Year's resolutions, as noble as they are from the outset, often fail due to unrealistic expectations and the undeniably fickle nature of human motivation. January 1st may symbolise a new beginning, but it doesn't magically bestow superhuman willpower. Throw in a sprinkle of over-ambition, a dash of life's unexpected curveballs, and bon appetit  - the recipe for resolution disaster is complete.

Introducing the Worst Resolutions

1. Become a Morning Person: The Dawn of Delusion

The allure of greeting the sunrise with open arms, a steaming cup of coffee, and an eagerness to conquer the day is attractive to everyone. Unfortunately, the reality for many aspiring morning people involves a perpetual battle with the snooze button and a lingering sense of betrayal as the sun rises without them. You are who you are, try rather plan to exercise or conquer the world in the evening.

2. Master a New Language in 365 Days

The idea of effortlessly becoming multilingual within a year is as fantastical as a unicorn on roller skates. It's not just about learning to say "hello" and "goodbye"; it's navigating the linguistic juggle of conjugations, idioms, and pronunciation hurdles, all while contending with the unruly circus of life's daily demands.

Spoiler alert: real communication involves more than memorising phrases from a guidebook. Unless you're forced to speak the language daily, assuming you can do so in under a year is about as optimistic as believing George RR Martin will ever finish his final book.

3. Achieve Inbox Zero - Finally, reading all of your emails

In a world where emails multiply like rabbits, achieving Inbox Zero is akin to catching a digital leprechaun-elusive and possibly mythical. Emails are the most passive form of communication, and most tend to be spam. If you weren't reading them last year, chances are you're not reading them now.

Instead, consider hitting the "read all" tab and ensure your phone isn't constantly silent. Chances are, why you're not reading your email is the same reason as why you refuse to answer your phone.

4. Run a Marathon 

Strap on those running shoes, declare your marathon ambitions, and... but do you have the time available that it takes to train for such a race? - welcome to the Mirage Marathon. The idea of gracefully crossing the finish line without the prerequisite hours of sweat, dedication, and proper footwear is akin to expecting a gourmet meal to materialise without the essential ingredients, preparation, or a skilled chef.

Perhaps it's best to adopt a more manageable resolution, such as being a morning person or quitting smoking cold turkey.

5. The Tempestuous Sea of Quitting Cigarettes

Speaking of which, the illusion of breaking free from the clutches of tobacco evaporates when we realise that conquering this formidable opponent requires more than a mere declaration after the earth fully rotates around the sun- it demands a battle plan, resilience against the storm of cravings, and support from friends and family to navigate withdrawal. 

But if you're serious about this change, set a quit date that's not just any date, but THE date, the day you declare independence from those nicotine fiends. Then toss them away like yesterday's news. Don't leave a single one behind - it's a clean sweep!

6. Read a Book Every Week: Literary Limbo

In the fantastical land where time expands to accommodate voracious readers, the resolution to devour a book a week collides with the harsh reality of life's hectic pace. Diving into the resolution of reading a book every week can often feel like navigating the enigmatic realm of Literary Limbo.

While we may feel shamed by our pretentious Facebook friends who share memes and pictures of their extensively "read" bookshelf, reading should be a pleasurable and immersive experience and not transformed into a scheduled task with a weekly deadline we can brag about. Reading should be for fun, when you can, and when you feel motivated-not treated as an obligation.

7. Meditate Every Day: Zen and the Art of Impracticality

Committing to meditate daily, while a noble pursuit for inner peace, often transforms into a paradoxical journey of "Zen and the Art of Impracticality." The challenge lies not in the desire for mindfulness but in the rigid expectation of a daily ritual, which clashes with the fluidity of life's unpredictability. An alternative approach might involve embracing the spirit of mindfulness without the constraints of a daily mandate.

8. Cut Out Sugar Completely: The Sweet Rebellion

Attempting to sever all ties with sugar is like declaring war on the dessert aisle, armed with a determined glare. An alternative, less dramatic strategy could involve a playful negotiation with your sweet tooth, convincing it to appreciate the occasional treat without initiating a full-scale sugar rebellion. It's like telling your cravings, "Alright, you can have a day off, but no wild parties in the candy aisle, okay?"

9. Learn to Play a New Instrument

Thinking of becoming the next Kenny G? The symphony of enthusiasm can quickly become a cacophony of frustration when faced with deciphering sheet music, coordinating finger acrobatics, and wrestling with the initial discordant notes. The alternative, perhaps, involves adopting a musical mindset of patience and playful exploration-embracing the occasional wrong note as a part of the learning crescendo and celebrating the journey from clunky chords to harmonious melodies.

10. Travel to Every Continent: The Global Odyssey Dilemma

The notion of conquering all seven continents can feel like attempting a logistical magic trick, juggling passports, time zones, and perhaps a penguin or two. An alternative, less geographically acrobatic approach might involve savouring the richness of diverse cultures and landscapes without necessarily ticking off every continent. 

Thinking of taking a more pragmatic approach to travel? Consider our tips on accessible travel destinations for 2024!

So, as the clock ticks towards another year, embrace the possibility of change but leave the ambitious resolutions in the realm of whimsy. After all, life's quirks and unexpected adventures often lead to more meaningful transformations than any list of well-intentioned but impractical goals. Happy New Year! May your resolutions be as attainable as they are amusing!

Read our previous article here

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